Friday's Journal and Footnoting

I will use this entry for two class assignments, one of which is horribly late, of which I do apologize. Let us begin with a look into the journal of Friday, Robinson Crusoe’s native slave on his island. The entries have been translated into our modern form of the English language.

Yo, Friday here, what up? So I’m just about to be eaten by our rival cannibals when I get this wild idea to escape when they ain’t looking. Crazy, right? Well, I probably wouldn’t have made the getaway if it wasn’t for this crazy cracker that was apparently living in a cave for the past twenty-some years. He killed one with his loud banging tube thinger, and then gave me a shiny stick to cut the other one’s head off. Wicked awesome, I know. I give him my people’s way of saying, “Thanks a lot buddy,” by bowing to his feet, and I think he thought it meant that I was going to serve him for the rest of my life. I hope that ain’t the case.

So this crazy cracker’s been calling me Friday for the past few days, and it’s kinda wigging me out. He’s also making me put on this uncomfortable furry stuff called clothes, which disables my nether-regions from getting any air, you know. Then I said we should eat the jerks that were going to eat me, just for some irony and the fact that I was getting me a mad craving for some human. But the crazy cracker started making barfing noises and I inferred that he’d kill me if I dare indulge in my cravings. What am I, on a diet?

So now the crazy cracker’s trying to teach me about his own Benamuckee, which makes me say, “What am I, back in Sunday School?” All and all, our Benamuckees are a lot alike, but then he starts telling me about this evil Benamuckee that causes all the bad things to happen. I rebuttal, “Why don’t the good Benamuckee kick the evil Benamuckee’s butt?” to which he says that he doesn’t understand everything about his Benamuckee, which sounds like a lazy excuse to me. It doesn’t seem like his good Benamuckee is all that power if an evil Benamuckee is running amuck all over the place. My Benamuckee can just go ahead and eat his evil Benamuckee, but I’m afraid suggesting that will make him spew or something.

Hey so we’re just hanging out one day when those jerk cannibals come back, and I start to get me a craving for some manflesh. They got some prisoners to eat once again, and I see that one of them is my pop. The crazy cracker goes and gets his banging tube thing to start something with the other cannibals, and we kick their butt. One of the prisoners was yet another cracker, though not as crazy as my crazy cracker. As they talk in their cracker language, I can help thinking how crackers must taste. Maybe I’ll stick around with this crazy cracker just to get a nibble of him sometime.

Also demanded of me is to take a work of mine and footnote it so the people of the future can understand it. Here you go:

A Stereotypical Pirate’s Ghazal

On me mighty vessel (1), I sail the Caribbean (2),

And on me wooden starboard (3), I bellow me sound, “Yarrr!” (4)

A hook for me hand, and mahogany (5) for me leg,

Me fine crew agrees that me look is one quite bizarrre!

Me native country, I hate, and me king (6), I oppose,

Me home is the long outstretched sea (7) that extends afarrr!

The wind above directs, and the current (8) below drives,

The only thing I follow be the night sky’s North Starrr! (9)

Royal ships, I plunder; their treasures, I gladly take,

I slay all in me way, after barking, “Au revoirrr!” (10)

With the sword (11), I stab, dodge, and slice with speed and with skill,

When me foes mess with me, they find I’m well above parrr! (12)

With an English (13) admiral (14), I had me a fine duel,

I sliced him good, but on me cheek, he left a fine scarrr!

I’ll take any crewman, even small, skinny, and slow,

All I ask is loyalty, and I’ll share me cigarrr! (15)

Me sailors all love me, and me washmen think me swell,

But I keep a watchful eye; I daren’t be like Caesarrr! (16)

Me best mate, Squawky, always rests on me right shoulder,

His beak (17) and his talons (18), he gladly uses to sparrr!

Rum (19) be me fav’rite treasure; I drink it all day long,

The only land I walk are the floorboards of the barrr!

Above all else, a pirate’s life be the life I choose,

I’d rather sail seas than reign in Russia (20) as the czarrr! (21)

So on me deck, I stare at the great seas that be mine,

And I, Captain Schmidt (22), bellow yet another loud, “Yarrr!”

Footnotes:

1. Vessel: a vehicle that floated and moved across water before Global Warming evaporated enough water to make such a vehicle necessary.
2. Caribbean: as in Caribbean Sea, or what the landmass between the eastern halves of North and South America was called when it was filled with water.
3. Starboard: the right side of a vessel.
4. Yarrr: stereotypical phrase that really only little kids dressed up as pirates for Halloween actually say.
5. Mahogany: type of hardwood used when there were tall perennial plants called trees around.
6. King: a single autocratic ruler of individual nations before the days of Emperor Donald Trump III, blessed be His name.
7. Sea: once referred to large landmasses that were filled with water, now a title dubbed to Emperor Trump III's personal swimming pools, blessed be Their wetness.
8. Current: a gravitational force that once moved the oceans and seas to reduce their potential energy.
9. North Star: name given to the star Polaris until its energy was fully utilized to keep running Emperor Trump III's mighty jacuzzi, blessed be Its massage-inducing water jets.
10. Au revoir: meaning "Goodbye" in the now-dead French language.
11. Sword: a long, edged piece of metal used back in the days where warfare was cool and fun to watch.
12. Par: term used in the formerly played sport of golf, which was outlawed in 2046 for being too boring.
13. English: inhabitants of the former country of England, now called Fishandchipsland.
14. Admiral: a high-ranking officer of a naval force, used when there was a reason to have a naval force.
15. Cigar: now called "cancer stick".
16. Caesar: seemingly a reference to English footballer Gus Caesar, who was voted in a 2007 pool to be the worst player to ever play for Arsenal, until Billy Nolegs took over that spot in 2014.
17. Beak: official name for the pointy thing on a bird's mouth.
18. Talons: official name for the pointy things on a bird's feet.
19. Rum: ha, just kidding, we still know what rum is.
20. Russia: currently known as Boyitsreallyfreakingcoldland.
21. Czar: another term for a single autocratic ruler, but is deemed inferior to Emperor Trump III, blessed be His casinos.
22. Captain Schmidt: a prolific author, historian, athlete, and millionaire who is redeemed by all the ladies and regarded in almost as high in respect to Emperor Trump III, blessed be His totally real-looking hair.

Thoughts on Crusoe and Defoe Imitation

So, I'm finally finished with Robbie Crusoe, and while it certainly wasn't the most...how you say...riveting book in the world, I'm glad I have it under my belt. I hear a lot of people have been complaining about it, and I don't particularly blame them, but I wouldn't necessarily call it the worst book ever, or a worthless piece of crap, or an abomination of all things good and holy in the literary world, etc. I look at it this way: if people are correct in thinking that Robinson Crusoe is the first actual novel ever published, then we should give it credit for spawning all the other novels that followed it. For example, I don't particularly like the earliest form of rock and roll (e.g.: Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Elvis, etc.), but I love the stuff that immediately followed it (e.g.: Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, etc.), so I still honor the early stuff because I know without it, everything after it would not have been the same.

I'm glad we're getting to read Gulliver's Travels now, since it's a total play on what Defoe was doing in Crusoe. I've read Gulliver a few times before, and now I think I'll appreciate it better after reading Crusoe, and vice versa. Gulliver has always fascinated me because 1) it's funny as hell and 2) it's very much a political commentary of life and politics back in the good old days of the eighteenth century, and as a History major, I sort of like that crap for some reason.

Here is my imitation of Defoe's writing style of a paragraph in "Running With Scissors" that was given to us. Enjoy.

The shiny and Luminescent bookshelves within my Possession are saturated with a myriad of Items which are quite privy to mine Interest, up to and including Canisters absent of the labels that were so Wonderfully adorned to their vibrant Cylindricalness of silver, though I cannot hide my Yearning for golden objects of the same Nature; also present are delightfully crafted Rings from my voyage to the New World five years following the glorious occasion of my Birth, which God and Providence has bequeathed me good Tidings...

You get the point.